I have reinvented myself multiple times throughout my life. I wanted to be a stuntman when I was a child, that moved on to teacher, then architect, then musician, then artist, then goldsmith, then business man, then designer, then coach, then photographer, then administrator. Almost all, with the exception of the most recent, have been self directed. I influenced the reinvention, based on my interests. The most recent reinvention is not by design, it was influenced by others and has me pretty rattled and feeling lost. It is reactive rather than proactive. This makes it one of the hardest chapters of my life.

I have to note that there is one thing that has been a constant in my life. The fact that I always end up teaching. It is something that flows so naturally from me. It provides stress, but I can find the flow and bring something of value to my students. It provides me stress(good stress), learning and creating change in myself and others.

I’m not going to lie, this has me scared shitless. I usually have a direction and then start to steer the boat towards it and leave the old behind. This time, I’m caught in a storm. There is no direction. I can’t steer. There is no destination other than survival. Just hang on and have faith that I will make it out. I want to unpack why I’m feeling this way as I know that right now the opportunities are limitless, but I can’t seem to see any.

This whole situation started building up last year. With hindsight being 20/20 I am starting to see the signs that were there from the beginning. In 2020 we had an opportunity to reinvent ourselves by moving to a beautiful little town in the South Okanagan, Summerland. It was the first time in over 20 years that I didn’t have a client for my freelancing or a regular position, so it was an easy transition. I had two sources of income at the time: teaching for a University and doing photography for one of the largest festivals in Canada. The festival would not run that year or the next, but they honoured our contract and didn’t have an issue with me living in another province as long as I came back for the festival. They also used whatever small budget they still had to give some small projects to their contractors. Not like the other clients who fled like rats on a sinking ship and showed me that contracts really don’t mean anything as they stopped replying or returning calls. Showed me the fragility of the whole system. There was no honour in their word; they just went into survival mode and trod water with the rest of us.

My Program Manager at the University was open to keeping me on after we moved as it showed that they could attract teaching talent from other parts of the country and deliver quality programs. We had made the transition to online delivery and I was a guinea pig, who tried new technology to find what would work the best. I’m not afraid of taking risks. I trust in myself to get me out of anything.

This is something I have to keep reminding myself as I go through this reinvention. It’s funny how you know the answer, but our minds continually sabotage us with it’s uncertainty. I have been at a lower point in my life and it didn’t hurt me. It made me stronger and smarter.

I was reinventing myself from a goldsmith into a businessman. I had the opportunity to be the Canadian Distributor for a new action sports product. I took the bull by the horns with this one. I rented a car and drove over 24 hours to Colorado Springs to meet with the founders of the company. I prepared for the meeting with the help of a friend to create a business plan. I went full in. Doing the drive to meet the founders showed them that I was serious about this business, even though I didn’t have a clue about how to run one. I got the deal, even though there was no contract or official documents. It was a gentlemen’s agreement. A handshake and a promise. Looking back, that was a great team. I hit it off with the marketing director and he helped guide me on what I needed to do.

Upon returning home, I managed to get a loan from the bank. No idea how a twenty-something, with a minimum-wage job, could secure that, but the truth comes out a bit later. I ordered products, set up a bank account, my home office and started to draft a marketing plan.

I was a businessman!

Nope.

As the year went on, I only made a handful of sales, racked up credit cards and kept getting loans from my banker until I was well into 6 figure debt. During this time, I started reinventing myself again and got accepted into school, with another loan. How I managed this, I still don’t know.

I successfully completed the program and was hired right out of school into my instructor’s business. That went well for a couple of months. Then the cheques stopped. There were two of us who got hired, and we were left to run this ourselves as the owners' time was taken up with teaching. The owners convinced another tech company to buy the business and us, along with it to create a design division.

At this time, my debt was overwhelming. I would bounce money from credit card to credit card and barely scrape by every month. I was recently married, and this affected the relationship resulting in a separation in the first year. We did get back together and are going strong into our 25th year of marriage. I was allowed to clear my debt using a credit counselling program, but a major issue arose. The banker who was so open to giving me loans was into some illegal activity, and the bank needed to investigate all loans and take me to court for the debt. Amazingly, they spelled my name wrong on all the documents, and the case was thrown out.

Law is fascinating.

I was still in debt, though, and the only option was to declare bankruptcy. This was the lowest point in my life. My wife left me, and I am bankrupt. I still had a position at the tech company, but I was transitioning into a teaching role in their education department. This was a blessing. I was taught how to create government-approved curriculum and given the freedom to take risks with education and develop new programs. Another reinvention that led to a few years of helping the company grow. I created the first ever 3D and Video Game Design programs in Alberta. I still have the curriculum.

The bankruptcy taught me a few good things. How to live a cash lifestyle, and how to never get into that situation again. I lived for over 7 years without credit cards and paid for everything in cash. To this day, I pay off the card every month and keep that balance at zero.

For this being the lowest point in my life, I could still steer my ship in a different direction, and it didn’t hurt me. I got my marriage back with the help of an amazing counsellor and some of the hardest conversations of my life. I didn’t lose our home or our vehicle. I built my credit back up. We have money in the bank to weather any storms.

Reflecting back on this time, it brings a calmness to me. I have been in a worse position, and I grew from it. The difference then was that I was still in control of my direction. Now to learn to shut my mind up and get back to my new chapter of reinvention.

I’m still in the heart of the storm.

I started my new position back in March of 2020. The process was fast for being a large educational institution. The process took less than two weeks, and I was thrown right into the deep end. No contacts and no idea what the role really was, but it had to be a Return on Investment. Meaning that I had to bring in at least, preferably more, money than what I was getting paid.

Here is when I should have taken note that this might not be a fit for me.

During salary negotiations, I told the director that I would be willing to take a bit less as I don’t have any contacts in the area and have to build from scratch, but once I prove my worth, I want a raise. I like to give myself “carrots” to strive for so I don’t become complacent and have a goal. We came to an agreement, and I started the following week.

The first email that went out to the whole department about my hiring, in a position that had not been filled for a few years, had my name spelled wrong. I’m used to this, but there was no apology or correction sent out. A major problem I witnessed at the institution was that no one who fell into the “leadership” category ever took accountability for their actions.

Right or wrong.

Nothing.

This is fucked up.